One is Silver...Part One

There's that song,"Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold". We used to sing that at camp and then my kids sang it at preschool. It's a sweet song and very, very true.

We went to a birthday party tonight at my friends house. I have known her and her husband for almost 17 years. For some people, this is not a huge feat. For me, this friendship is amazing. While some people collect and keep friends for years and years, I, typically, do not. I am not friends with old boyfriends, do not keep in contact with high school or college friends, am terrible at maintaining former work bonds and just generally suck at being a friend. It's amazing to me that I have friends as I can be extremely flaky, especially when dating (my friendships have fared better since I got married) as the old saying "boyfriends come and go but your girl friends are forever" was lost on me, except for the boyfriends come and go part.

And, tonight I spent time with two people who have known me what seems like forever. We used to watch X-files on Sunday and eat Greek food whenever we felt like it. We'd clean out our drawers and watch Party of 5 while talking on the phone. We traveled together, shopped at IKEA, they knew all my boyfriends, liked some of them, hated some others. They helped me move in, move out, move on, and picked up the pieces when I couldn't seem to. We met at work, and stayed friends because we did. We got married two weeks apart in 1999 and in 2000 our boys were born just 4 weeks apart. I think it's awesome that I have friends like this that I can say - "hey, remember when..." and they can say "yeah".

Some might say I'm silly. Everyone has those in their lives who know them and love them anyway. I am not one of those people. I am terrified of my worlds colliding and take extreme measures to ensure that these worlds stay far far apart. That means that I don't have a lot of close friends that I keep. I'm also an only child. I play well by myself. I have a hard time sharing. Coincidentally, my closest friends up until recently, have also been only children. I wonder what that means...

So, this friendship is special to me. And, precious. We don't see each other as often as we used to and I'm guilty of not being better at keeping in touch. But, when we do see each other, it's easy and comforting and I appreciate my old friends.

Now, the verse goes, "make new friends..." and I have! Really! But that's another post. Shortly, or realistically, a while from now.

Why So Busy?

You hear it all the time, "I'm just SO BUSY!" and you've probably said that yourself too. I say it, all the time. But, does it really mean that we're indeed just busy, or is what we're really saying something totally different-- I'm too busy to make an effort for you?

Honest, I have said "I'm too busy" in order to not have to say "I don't want to do that". It's what nice girls do. We are taught not to be rude, and being busy is a great way not to be rude-- until you're so busy that you are rude. And, I can be VERY busy if need be, say if there's a carpool to be driven, or if my kids want to go shopping, and I've even been too busy to attend volunteer meetings. I'm usually too busy to return phone calls and emails, dishes don't get done, and somehow, the pile of mail just keeps getting bigger and bigger...Like I said, I'm REALLY busy.

My sister-in-law is having a birthday. It's a big birthday, and since this is on the Internet, I won't tell you just how big it is, but suffice it to say, it's a doozy. We (I) wanted to do something over to top extravagant for this milestone, she balked at first and had to be talked into it. I persevered, and she relented and we began planning, a trip to Las Vegas, with two of her sisters. This is where it gets "busy". One has 3 teens and is understandably "busy". The other has one pre-teen, her own business, and is remodeling a house and is "VERY busy" all the time. We've spent about 6 weeks coordinating schedules and dates and times and etc. It's been an up hill battle. We go back and forth on where to go, what to do, how to get there, who's going, yada yada. We've hit a road block; I'm not sure we'll make it around it. Mostly there's been 3 of us planning. But, wait. I said there were 4 of us going. Ah, yes. The 4th one is too "busy" to contribute to planning, but she has opinions and thoughts that she passes through another, like an oracle, or the telephone game we played as kids. The message always got garbled, didn't it? And, the message is kind of garbled now as well, all except for the part that's not, the "I'm too busy for this" part.

Oh, wait. I said " I'm too busy for this" not just "I'm busy" didn't I? Hmmm... wonder why? Because, when we fly the "busy" flag, it can be mistaken for the "I don't have time for you" flag. And, that hurts. We accept it, don't we? We make excuses and we brush it aside. We cluck and nod and murmur, "I totally know, it's crazy here too." And, that's kind of my point. We're all busy. There's a song, "We're very very busy and we have a lot to do, and we haven't got a minute to explain it all to you" Kevin Klein sings it, it's hilarious. We're all busy, we only have 24 hours in a day and for crying out loud, we have to sleep. I firmly believe this, if it's important to you, you'll find a way to make it work. If' it's not, you'll just be really "busy".

So, there's the issue. Someone wants to go do something; someone is too busy, and the original someone feels unimportant. I'm sure that's not the intent, but it's the conclusion that is drawn. And, it leads to hurt feelings, resentment, defensiveness, and more hurt feelings. Instead of being "busy", be honest. "I don't want to drive carpool, I love the idea, but can't stand a car full of kids that aren't my own. I'll pay part for gas if you'll drive." "I'm not coming to the meeting today; the last one went so long, I didn't feel like it was productive." "I'm terrible about returning calls because it's easier to wait for you to call back." "Thank you for thinking of me- I'm so happy that you want to include me in your celebration, with everything that I have going on right now, I just can't make it work. I'm sorry and I hope you have a wonderful time." Painful? Kind of. Hard to say? Totally. Does it sting to hear it? Yup. And, it's nice to know if you should be "busy" the next time you're asked.

Choosing Is Hard

When my kids were little, we used to say that independent thought and free will were overrated.  When I played Sims, independent thought and free will were not overrated as my lovely Sim starved to death and burned down his house due to the fact that I was too busy with my real life to care for him.  Right now, I feel like independent thought and free will are way too much responsibility for one little human being to be in charge of.

We have the ability to choose, that and opposable thumbs leave us at the top of the food chain.  It's not always glamourous here at the top, but it's better than being plankton.  Right now, I am faced with three choices, that, each in its own right, are amazing.  I am so blessed and thankful that I have this dilemma when I know that there are many, many others out there that are in very different situations.  And, I am not whining or sniveling about having a choice; I'm whining and sniveling about making the choice.  Therein lies the issue.

I live in a time and place in history when I get to choose.  To stay home, or to work full time, or to go back to school.  When my daughter was born, I got to decide by myself (with my husband- really it was more just me deciding, but that's a whole other post) to stay home with her and be a mom.  It was interesting how people responded to my decision, my father was ecstatic that I was "doing what is right and not working"  -- thanks 1950's thinking dad-- what happened to "you can be whatever you want- even an astronaut!"?  Guess when you have a baby, your dad forgets that you wanted to be an astronaut. My friends said funny things like, "you won't get to eat out anymore", and "we'll miss you" and while we don't eat out as much anymore, and I don't see them as often as I did when I was 22, it's been fine and we've had a good time.  I feel lucky that I had the option to choose; my husband has a good job, and we made choices that made the big choice do-able.  Initially, the choice was strange, but after a couple of months it was normal and we stopped thinking about it.  Except for here and there as I would reflect on the choice and how either grateful or not grateful I was about the choice, depending on date, time, children's mood, etc.  So awesome is the free will thing.

Now, I am faced with 3 choices.  And, that's a little weird.  I started out this week just thinking about what I'd like to choose.  How this would be fun or that would work great and wouldn't this be awesome.    I was toying with ideas, choices, and began to commit to one.  Started to really sit with it and be comfortable, well, not really comfortable, but more aware of it.  And, I wasn't frightened completely by the prospect of making the choice.  Then, another choice popped up, as I was holding hands with the first choice, the second appears and waves me over for a look.  It's a good choice too, makes sense, is solid, well thought out, not bad.  Ugh.  So, me and the two choices are going to get coffee, so the two of them can make their pro and con lists, that's the best way to make a choice you know, weigh the pros and cons.  As we go into Starbucks, my cell phone rings and choice three is on the other end of the line presenting yet another fabulous opportunity.  Really, at this point we had to leave Starbucks, it was kind of late and I think sleeping will be an issue for me with out caffeine tonight.  I bid adieu to my first two choices, promising that I'd consider, mull, stress, and of course process all their good and not so good along with that of choice three.  And, so here I am.  Three choices, three great choices, each of them equally fabulous, interesting, challenging, and lucrative.  Each of them good and bad for me, each of them waiting to see what I choose.

The hard part is that I hope that I choose correctly.  How do you decide and then be happy with the decision?  Do you always wonder what if?  Do you look back and say if only?  I don't think so, because I have been able to make decisions before and not be all pollyanna about it later.  I got married, and based upon my dating history, that was a miraculous decision moment.  I kind of feel like I had help with that one, when I met my future husband, it made sense to me.  He was the right one and I made up my mind and that was that.  Maybe that's what's missing for me here.  While these are all great options, none are exactly right.  Or, I need more information to see which one is the right one.  But where do I find that out?  Ugh.  So trite of me to ask.  I have faith that the answer will arrive- I don't know when or how, but the choices showed up so I guess it stands to reason that the answer will too.  I just wonder how long I have to wait and I wonder if I'll recognize it when it arrives.  Probably, I bet it'll have a pro and con list for me.