One is Silver...Part One

There's that song,"Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold". We used to sing that at camp and then my kids sang it at preschool. It's a sweet song and very, very true.

We went to a birthday party tonight at my friends house. I have known her and her husband for almost 17 years. For some people, this is not a huge feat. For me, this friendship is amazing. While some people collect and keep friends for years and years, I, typically, do not. I am not friends with old boyfriends, do not keep in contact with high school or college friends, am terrible at maintaining former work bonds and just generally suck at being a friend. It's amazing to me that I have friends as I can be extremely flaky, especially when dating (my friendships have fared better since I got married) as the old saying "boyfriends come and go but your girl friends are forever" was lost on me, except for the boyfriends come and go part.

And, tonight I spent time with two people who have known me what seems like forever. We used to watch X-files on Sunday and eat Greek food whenever we felt like it. We'd clean out our drawers and watch Party of 5 while talking on the phone. We traveled together, shopped at IKEA, they knew all my boyfriends, liked some of them, hated some others. They helped me move in, move out, move on, and picked up the pieces when I couldn't seem to. We met at work, and stayed friends because we did. We got married two weeks apart in 1999 and in 2000 our boys were born just 4 weeks apart. I think it's awesome that I have friends like this that I can say - "hey, remember when..." and they can say "yeah".

Some might say I'm silly. Everyone has those in their lives who know them and love them anyway. I am not one of those people. I am terrified of my worlds colliding and take extreme measures to ensure that these worlds stay far far apart. That means that I don't have a lot of close friends that I keep. I'm also an only child. I play well by myself. I have a hard time sharing. Coincidentally, my closest friends up until recently, have also been only children. I wonder what that means...

So, this friendship is special to me. And, precious. We don't see each other as often as we used to and I'm guilty of not being better at keeping in touch. But, when we do see each other, it's easy and comforting and I appreciate my old friends.

Now, the verse goes, "make new friends..." and I have! Really! But that's another post. Shortly, or realistically, a while from now.

Why So Busy?

You hear it all the time, "I'm just SO BUSY!" and you've probably said that yourself too. I say it, all the time. But, does it really mean that we're indeed just busy, or is what we're really saying something totally different-- I'm too busy to make an effort for you?

Honest, I have said "I'm too busy" in order to not have to say "I don't want to do that". It's what nice girls do. We are taught not to be rude, and being busy is a great way not to be rude-- until you're so busy that you are rude. And, I can be VERY busy if need be, say if there's a carpool to be driven, or if my kids want to go shopping, and I've even been too busy to attend volunteer meetings. I'm usually too busy to return phone calls and emails, dishes don't get done, and somehow, the pile of mail just keeps getting bigger and bigger...Like I said, I'm REALLY busy.

My sister-in-law is having a birthday. It's a big birthday, and since this is on the Internet, I won't tell you just how big it is, but suffice it to say, it's a doozy. We (I) wanted to do something over to top extravagant for this milestone, she balked at first and had to be talked into it. I persevered, and she relented and we began planning, a trip to Las Vegas, with two of her sisters. This is where it gets "busy". One has 3 teens and is understandably "busy". The other has one pre-teen, her own business, and is remodeling a house and is "VERY busy" all the time. We've spent about 6 weeks coordinating schedules and dates and times and etc. It's been an up hill battle. We go back and forth on where to go, what to do, how to get there, who's going, yada yada. We've hit a road block; I'm not sure we'll make it around it. Mostly there's been 3 of us planning. But, wait. I said there were 4 of us going. Ah, yes. The 4th one is too "busy" to contribute to planning, but she has opinions and thoughts that she passes through another, like an oracle, or the telephone game we played as kids. The message always got garbled, didn't it? And, the message is kind of garbled now as well, all except for the part that's not, the "I'm too busy for this" part.

Oh, wait. I said " I'm too busy for this" not just "I'm busy" didn't I? Hmmm... wonder why? Because, when we fly the "busy" flag, it can be mistaken for the "I don't have time for you" flag. And, that hurts. We accept it, don't we? We make excuses and we brush it aside. We cluck and nod and murmur, "I totally know, it's crazy here too." And, that's kind of my point. We're all busy. There's a song, "We're very very busy and we have a lot to do, and we haven't got a minute to explain it all to you" Kevin Klein sings it, it's hilarious. We're all busy, we only have 24 hours in a day and for crying out loud, we have to sleep. I firmly believe this, if it's important to you, you'll find a way to make it work. If' it's not, you'll just be really "busy".

So, there's the issue. Someone wants to go do something; someone is too busy, and the original someone feels unimportant. I'm sure that's not the intent, but it's the conclusion that is drawn. And, it leads to hurt feelings, resentment, defensiveness, and more hurt feelings. Instead of being "busy", be honest. "I don't want to drive carpool, I love the idea, but can't stand a car full of kids that aren't my own. I'll pay part for gas if you'll drive." "I'm not coming to the meeting today; the last one went so long, I didn't feel like it was productive." "I'm terrible about returning calls because it's easier to wait for you to call back." "Thank you for thinking of me- I'm so happy that you want to include me in your celebration, with everything that I have going on right now, I just can't make it work. I'm sorry and I hope you have a wonderful time." Painful? Kind of. Hard to say? Totally. Does it sting to hear it? Yup. And, it's nice to know if you should be "busy" the next time you're asked.