Girls Night Out

I'm afraid to make friends. I'm afraid if I tell them what I really think, girls won't like me. I don't really know why, I just know that it's been a struggle for me to make and keep friends for most of my existence. Mostly because we can't have a really honest relationship, because I'm spending all my time agreeing with whatever they say and then I get resentful and well, nobody likes a resentful friend. There is a very notable exception, my best friend Jami. And, we can discuss that relationship later, right now I want to talk about the evening out I just had.

I don't seem to have this trouble with men. I've never really had any trouble being completely open and honest as to how things are going when it comes to men and my relationships with them. Hmmm. Another discussion for later.

My neighbor on the north side of my house is awesome. She's kind, and nice, and fun to be with. She's better at making friends than I, and she's willing to share the friends that she's made. And, tonight 4 of us went to dinner at a new restaurant. We had fun. We laughed and talked and ate and it was good.

Here's where my fear comes into play. I have a strong point of view, and one of the other gals does too. And, our views don't always match up, in fact, I'd say we're polar opposites sometimes. Not necessarily on big issues, just on little bombs of issues. Like, school activities, and kids, and parenting. Not really big issues, right? Uh, yeah, if you're single with out kids their not BIG issues. So, tonight, we're discussing some of these 'small' issues and I found myself saying the words, "I don't agree with that at all." And, I kind of wanted to cry. (For those of you who know me, this revelation is NOT a surprise, the next one is.) But, I didn't. (Shocker!) I stuck to my guns and we had a calm, rational, discussion about the issue; then it was over, and we moved on to another topic of conversation. And, I DIDN'T CRY!!! We're still friends, too, I think. I'm still not totally sure on that, we'll see how it goes.

This is really big for me. I think that I may be *gasp* growing up. My relationships may just be growing up too. I'm so excited to have found a way to safely say, "I don't agree" and not feel like everyone is going to turn their backs and say, "fine, we're not friends". It's all very high-schoolish, but it's kind of a struggle that I think we all still have. Do they like me? Am I like able? Am I cool enough? Do they like my shoes? Grown ups don't really discuss thinking like this, and I'm not sure why I felt like I should talk about it tonight, except for the not crying thing that I am obsessing on. (Really, really proud of not crying.) So, maybe now I can shift my fear from making friends to making friends who I have to agree with all the damn time.

Did I mention that I wanted to cry, but I didn't? Yay!