I'm Not "That Girl" Anymore

Today was kind of a sad day for me. It's been coming, this day. In fact, it's been coming for about 35 days now, and today, it arrived. On January 4, 2010, I purchased the most gorgeous purple kid skin ankle booties, complete with a metallic purple rose on the out side. They had a 1" platform and 4" spike heels. I loved them. I'd loved them in the Nordstrom fall catalog, I'd loved them in the stores, and I'd totally scored and found them at the Rack for like 65% off. I bought them and I brought them home and I was in love with these booties. They were so hot! They made my legs (and me) look awesome, so long and curvy-- I rocked in these shoes. But, I'm a stay-at-home mom of 2 elementary schoolers. Where the heck was I going to wear them? I told myself that I'd wear them whenever, didn't need a reason, I loved these shoes so why do I need a reason to wear them other than that? So, I'd get dressed and try them on, and even walk down the hall fully intending to wear them out of the house, and then I'd walk back to the closet and put on different, more sensible shoes to actually leave the house. There they sat, my loves. All alone in the closet, well, not all alone per se, they had lots of shoe friends to keep them company, but you know what I mean. Day after day they sat there, and I tried to make them work, I really, really did. There was the birthday dinner for my husband, could of worn them then, but it didn't seem right. Then there was the happy hour and movie with the girls, perfect right? No, not so much.

Finally, today, I was at the Rack again, looking for cute walking shoes for our upcoming trip to San Francisco. I'd announced that I was going to bring only one pair of shoes. Mike doesn't believe me. I don't really believe me either, but I am willing to try. While I was trying on pair after pair of cute, flat, good-arch support, walk- around- the- city shoes, it hit me. I am not the purple spike heeled bootie girl anymore. I want to be. I long to be. I used to be, but I'm not anymore. I'm more of a comfortable, attractive, ballet flat. I'm still a lot of fun and good to hang out with. I'm still attractive, just not in the spike-heeled boots, tiny mini skirt, red lipstick and nails sort of way. And, that's OK. Part of me is sad. I miss that girl. She was so fun! She could drink and smoke and dance and be fabulous until 2am and still get up and go to work at 5:30am the next day. She shopped a mean streak, and was making good money so she could have a shopping black belt. She was sassy and flirty and fearless. She was insecure and shy too, but she covered it up good. (Liquid courage I suppose.) She was awesome.

Part of me is relieved that I'm not "that girl" anymore. She was fun while she was around, but sooner or later, we all have to grow up. Now I'm the girl who loves watching her kids grow up, and makes Valentines, and cooks dinner 5 nights a week. I'm the one with a wonderful loving, attentive husband, who is a fantastic provider and is fun to hang out with 11 years in to this. I get to live in an amazing community and have great friends who I laugh and cry and complain and celebrate with. I'm still a little insecure and shy too, but, I'm working on it- un-assisted this time. I'm still awesome.

Anyway, I returned the boots today. I showed them to 2 of my neighbors before I took them back. Both of them said I should keep them. Even if I never wear them, I should keep them because I love them. But, I couldn't do that. I stood in line to return them and told the cashier I needed to return them to the wild so that they could go home with someone else who loves them like I did. Only, this time, I hope the person that loves them will wear them, and that when they wear them, they are fierce. Like the girl I was, and always will be. Just not in the purple boots. Because today I grew up a little. And, tomorrow, I'm wearing the green flats with the flower on the toe.